Drunk OTPs
by MostUnlikelyFanfiction
Summary: I dunno. A bit of Draco/Harry (Drarry), a bit of Draco/Apple (Drapple) and Harry/Apple (Happle). Oh right, and brief Ron/Hermione. That teaspoon. Some bad words and bad grammar. I was drunk, okay?
1. Chapter 1

Draco Malfoy is bored.

the slytherin heir blonde ice prince wishes for Harry's love

but Harry's like "No way in Merlin's ass"

and then Draco's like "Oh"

and then they make out and it's hot but the Apple gets jealous

and then Draco's like "Oh no bby you know you're the one for me"

and then Apple gets himself in a hot and smutty affair with Harry

and decides to take pictures of Harry and apple together in lewd positions

and Draco gets jealous and pissed

"My father will hear about this" he yells, then realizes... "Oh shit nvm."

and then Draco tells Harry he's a prick and he should leave Apple alone cause he loves Apple

and then Harry gets pissed and he's like "i thought you loved me"

and then Draco's like "nu-uh i hate you stupid scarface" and they make out again

and then Harry's like "wtf is happening i just wanna kill me some horcruxes"

and then *plot twist*...

the Apple was a horcrux this whole time.

and so Harry's feels betrayed and gets depressed

and Ron's like "it's just another apple bro. just like the rest"

and Hermione's like "Ron you teaspoon he had feelings for that apple"

and then Ron and Hermione go and make out so Harry feels even more lonely

and so Harry goes to Draco for comfort

and Draco's like "i aint gon give you no comfort"

"I only give you hot and steamy sex"

and Harry's like "okay cool"

so they have hot and steamy sex in the prefects bathroom

and Draco gets to top

obviously

Draco always tops

and when it's over Draco's like "Okay i can comfort you now"

and Harry just tells Draco that he loves him but he loves Apple too

and Harry tells Draco that Apple was a horcrux

and Draco like freaks out and is like

"OMG DID YOU KILL MY BBY WTF DUDE I THOUGHT YOU CARED ABOUT ME I GAVE YOU HOT AND STEAMY SEX"

and then Harry's like "no way man i didn't kill Apple. i can't kill him. I grew feelings for him too"

and so Draco's like "we should all have a threesome"

and so Draco and Harry put clothes back on and go to find Apple

and then they find Neville the Badass swinging a sword near Apple

"HOLY FUCK NEVILLE BE CAREFUL WITH APPLE" Harry and Draco yelled

Neville the Badass is like "Ron told me he was a horcrux and I need to kill it"

and then Draco freaks out and then...

...

"IT WAS MY HORCRUX! NOT THE DARK LORD'S!"

Harry looks Draco in the eyes. "Draco? Is that true?"

Draco nods and a tear slips out of his eye. "Yes. I killed Pansy."

Neville the Badass says "Oh thank Merlin. She was a total bitch and a half." Harry nods.

Neville drops the sword and hands Draco the apple.

Draco decides he needs to get rid of this, so he says...

"Apple...look, bby, I've always loved you. you were there for me when Pansy was being a total annoying bitch and you helped me kill her. But I need to do this now." a tear falls on apple's green skin.

Harry watches, not really knowing what to do.

Neville the Badass walks away awkwardly.

"Apple, I love you. but this is the only way" Draco takes a deep breath.

And Harry watches in horror as Draco takes a huge bite out of apple.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Far off, in a distant fandom, a loud crack could be heard through the air.

"what was that?!" Bella screamed

"i dont know but it wasnt thunder" Edward said

"oh it was just the Harry Potter fandom again" said Alice

"what happened now"

"a sexy guy with blond hair just collapsed"

"wtf why do they get all the attention" said Jasper

"it was probably louder cause theyre a bigger fandom"

"oh, right" they all agreed

*back in our fandom*

Draco groaned cos eating Apple, the man he loved, hurt him and also he was tearin away a piece of his soul

"DRaCo wTF YOU CANT FUCKIN EAT YUR HORCRUX"

then Draco was dizzy an he fell on the ground cos it hurt alot

and suddenly a black thing came out of the bite in the apple and made a horrible vision

Neville the Badass was making sweet love to apple as the horcrux juice spwed out of Apple

"Oh, Apple..." hallucination Neville the Badass said

"Ahhh, Neville the Badass yur so good!" hallicunation Apple screamed

Draco and Harry looked up in terror

"i dint know apple was a screamer, he dint make a noise when we had sex" Harry murmured

and Draco strted sobbing "WHY APPLE HOW COULD YOU" he strted twitching "I THOT YOU LOVED ME"

and Harry quickly ate apple so Draco cud stop crying

srsly

it was fucking annoying

"i have baslisk vemon in my teeth" harry said "i am the new badass"

and then real Neville the Badass was like "NO WAY BRA IM THE BADASS GO SUCK SOMETHING"

and so he walked away and evry step he took his shoes yelled "BADASS MOTHERFUCKER WALKING THROUGH"

and then Draco held the core of apple in his arms

and he was like "omg he's dead"

"why"

"why did you kill my bby"

"OW HOLY MERLIN FUUUUUCK THAT HURTS"

cos the horcrux was gone now and it felt weird

"part of you is dead" Harry whispred and they made out

and then Harry was like "can i top this time"

and Draco was like "no cos i always top"

"why"

"cos im sexier now shut up" and they started to take off their clothes

mmmm yeahhh hot and steamy sex

and then McGongall saw them and was like "boys boys no time for sex now cos look its raining muggles"

Harry and Draco looked up in the sky and it was srsly raining naked muggle bodies

"shit they look just like wizards" Draco said

Harry got pissed. "yeah cos its not like they humans"

"wait whAT THE FUCK ITS RAINING MUGGLES"

TBC


End file.
